Welcome to my Blog
Sisterhood.
What is your first thought coming up about it? What feelings come forward when you think about it?
For me, its a big blank space. No thought. I have no idea what it looks like. I have never experienced it. Brotherhood, I have a good idea about, yes. But Sisterhood??!
The feelings that come up are, feeling weird, like what is that?!
Next is feeling like I don't need any of that.
Going deeper I'm filled with a deep sense of sorrow and longing.
Never met any woman i would look up to growing up. All I saw is what today I would call toxic, hurt women. Growing up i didn't know this, all I knew is that there was something wrong ( with me) and if that is what it means to be a women, I don't want any of that. Nasty backstabbing, manipulative, emotionally abusive. I was raised by a stepmum like that. My real mum was as cold as anything, never experienced any sort of warmth, caring love. She was there, but she wasn't. The lack of love causes trauma in more of a subtle way.
So I decided I'm going to be like a man, I always got on better with them. They are more real and simple. Non judgemental, felt much more welcome in their presence. I have completely disowned my feminine side, as a teenager it didn't even develop i think as I just didn't want to go there. Only now since I started my healing journey I'm starting to figure out, what it means to be a women. A healthy balanced one.
Last year I went to a class and I met one. My first " real " woman. I was dumb struck. She was one of the teachers of this class. I was staring at her in disbelief. I had no idea what was impacting me so much, but I just had to talk to her. I told her how much I liked her introduction because it was true. Authentic. And not only that, she was full of love. Self love. So much so it was pouring out of her and into everything around her. It was amazing to experience. Something I've never seen before. I recognize authenticity in a second. I loose interest in fakeness. After talking to her for a few minutes I bursted out crying.
It took me some time to figure out what was going on.
But that one encounter has completely changed my view on people, especially about women. That was the moment I understood how there is nothing wrong with women, nothing wrong with being a woman. The problem was that all the women I have seen were sick, more or less.
Sick from their unworthiness, their not good enough, their lack of love, their oppression and from all their unhealed trauma...
That was the moment I understood, women desperately need healing.
We are in a desperate need of a Sisterhood. We must fill up the blank space.
How would Sisterhood look like to you?
Conception of my Son
I have been emotionally abused for years growing up...
I have been sexually abused later on...
Now I am in a long term relationship.
I knew from the start of this relationship how it wasn't going to work sexually. But I chose him anyway. I think part of me knew, by choosing him I will be eventually forced to look at my problems around intimacy.
Very early on our intimacy went down at an alarming rate. Our relationship on all other aspects of life is great, we complement each other so well. For some reason we stuck by one another even tho our sex life was completely dead for a couple of years.
To be totally honest having no sex was actually a relief. No need to force myself to do it because I'm supposed to. No need to pretend it was great. I have never had an orgasm. To me, sex was always about the guy.
During my healing journey i was led to find tantra. I was intrigued. In my life, It was impossible to find real information about sexuality, there was nobody i could turn to. Porn I thought was a very twisted version of what I believed sexuality was supposed to be. Maybe, just maybe I am going to find answers here?
I did, and it blew my mind.
Our relationship was completely dead, not just the sex, there was no love, affection or intimacy. I pushed him away more and more every day. I would freak out if he would hug me.
On a December night with a full moon and the winter equinox I went on a psychedelic journey. My intention was to heal my femininity and my sexuality.
On this journey I was getting filled up with love. It is so hard to describe a psychedelic trip. This love would turn into arousal. It was like the universe was pleasing me. But i would only feel agony. I had so much resistance to pleasure. I feel so much shame when I experience pleasure. The little girl inside of me starts giggling at this force. I can't even talk about it. But the arousal kept coming. Slowly like an unstoppable force, it would wash away my resistance.
When I started to relax into the pleasure a thought forced its way into my head. I should call my other half here, this is the perfect time to rekindle our relationship.
I didn't like the idea one little bit, a whole lot more resistance came up. But the unstoppable loving force would not stop, eventually it washed away my resistance again.
I pull myself together and sit up. Look around, he's not in the room. I'm freaking out, as I'm still in the middle of my trip. I call his name. He heard me. He is coming. I freak out again, what am I going to do now?!
I call him over and tell him to come to bed and take off his clothes.
He lies down next to me and waits. I suddenly turn terrified, so terrified I literally froze. Could not move a muscle or speak a word. Meanwhile everything inside of me is going crazy. What i was feeling inside was magickal. I wanted to express the magic, but I had absolutely no idea how. Its was so much more then i ever had in sex. To me sex was never satisfying, it was just a physical act. Something was always missing. This was a whole new thing. Possibly the very thing i have been missing....
After what seemed like an eternity I managed to squeeze out how frozen and terrified I am. He asks what am I scared of? I replied, Me. Scared to express what is inside of me. I burst out crying for a good while, when I managed to calm down I tell him how badly I want to do it. That made him move, he came on top of me i was so grateful, became a bit less frozen.
He starts to lead and do the things he would normally do. I stopped him. I wanted none of that.
I can see how worried and uncomfortable he is. Usually that would put me down but this time I lovingly accepted it. Somehow it didn't affect me. I didn't take it personally.
I wait, not sure how to proceed. I've never done this before. Going through the action with your head in charge and your heart shut is what I've always known. Now, I know I need to do the opposite. Need to find courage.
Suddenly I let go, I turn to him and whisper and cry at the same time " FEEL"
Then I kiss him, like I've never kissed him before. With my whole essence and open, loving heart. Like I'm kissing life into him. It was such a magickal moment, I will never forget.
From then on everything happened perfectly. I stayed with the flow of surrender with my head completely switched off. I was leading. I was expressing this magick inside of me with every movement. Like I was channeling the Goddess.
But I think it wasn't someone else I was channeling. I think it was me. All of me. I just needed to open up and let it happen.
I think the Goddess came to remind me of who I AM ...
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Why do we criticize ourselves?
Have you ever thought about it?
I honestly haven't until recently, it just seemed like one of those things you just do without even wondering why...
Once puberty started everything seemed so messed up. I remember not knowing how to behave.
Remember being so confused.
I didn't feel like a child anymore, and definitely not like an " adult" either. I stayed in this confusion for years, which made me more and more lost.
We don't really get the guidance we need growing up.
We see what the media wants us to see.
We see what society wants us to see.
Is that good for us?
Far from it.
Is that good for them?
Yes, they depend on us.
They depend on us being sick.
Sick with self-criticism and self-hatred.
There are whole industries based on and thriving on, our "need" of fixing ourselves, like we are broken. Women constantly looking to see what to look like and how to act to be attractive to men.
What is beauty anyway?
When you are born as a baby everybody thinks you are beautiful and perfect, this ends about the time puberty hits.
Do we get ugly and imperfect all of a sudden? I don't think so.
Yet that's about the time we start feeling shame for our body, feeling inadequate and feeling there is something wrong with us.
Where is this coming from?
We absorb it from our environment, media, internet, our parents, really everywhere we look.
Too thin, too fat, too tall, too short, too honest, too old, too young...
Your breasts are too big, or too small or too saggy..
Your face is all wrong, the hair on your body is wrong too, you should change it. Once you change it it soon becomes all wrong again, so you can start all over...
Let's spend our life trying not be like how we are...
Lets constantly feel like we should be something else, look like somebody else, act like somebody else.
What a f*cking great idea.
We are definitely not going to win that battle...
So how would you feel if I told you, you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are?
There is no one like you, you are unique, you are not like anybody else.
So why not try to be you? Try to be the best version of YOU?
And no, that doesn't mean you let yourself go because you have nothing to work on. It would mean stop beating yourself up constantly, accept you as you are. Then from this place you can work on all the things you want.
Stop trying to fit into stupid beauty standards, there is no real woman who fits those standards.
You are the only person, you cannot get away from.
How about you treat yourself the way you want others to treat you?
How about you show yourself a tiny bit more kindness?
If you feel like you are willing to experiment, here's something to try.
Get naked and look at yourself in the mirror. Really look and observe your thoughts and feelings.
Can you look at yourself with a kind loving presence?
I invite you to say to yourself out aloud. " I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you, I love you. " Say it over and over again until the cringe goes away and see what comes up.
You can repeat this every day and observe how much your relationship with you improves.
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