About Me

Who am I

I grew up in Eastern Europe, Hungary.

Being a child, mostly what I remember of it was how I couldn't wait to get out of. It meant dependence and there was nothing good about it. I couldn't see it anyway. The bad has a way of taking up all the space in my head, makes whatever good there is disappear.

My parents divorced when I was 7. I remember I always had a really strong bond with my father, but nothing with my mother. She was always distant, and cold. Seemed like she was living in a different world than I. It made it very difficult for me to relate to her, to connect to her. My dad on the other hand was always warm, emotionally available. Someone I could talk to, I could understand. When they separated I still remember the heartbreak. I was to go with my mum?!

I remember asking my dad to take me, I wanted to go with him. I did not understand why he wouldn't? Didn't he love me, like I did? Did I do something wrong?

I don't remember what excuse he gave me, I just remembered knowing he didn't tell me the truth. He couldn't...

I felt terribly abandoned by him, this moment in my life has shaped who I became so much...

Couple years later my mum got sick ( multiple sclerosis)

That was the time when my dad remarried. I eventually moved in with them. I was longing for a warm family, to be loved as a daughter and a sibling. I remember how I loved having the attention from my stepmom, she appeared so loving, I opened myself to her completely, it felt like something I've never felt with my real mum. That connection only a mum and a daughter can have.

After a short period she totally switched her behaviour towards me. And I have become a target of her constant emotional abuse.

Lots of cycles of apparent love and affection and when I would open to her again, when I began trusting her again she would switch and the abuse carried on. Until I could no longer open my heart or trust. I became numb. So fucking numb that no matter what happened to me I was " just fine".

The depth of this kind of damage in a person is profound.

Her attacks would get more and more vicious. She had to always outdo herself in a way. She made this habit of packing up my stuff telling me to leave. At times it would get physical. All those long years she was doing her attacks on me I remember my dad just standing by and watching. Remember his face clearly. He just wanted to disappear, couldn't find the strength to protect his daughter. My abandonment wound got real deep.

To protect and provide is the very nature of a man, of a father...

One of these times I thought I might just be better of if I go.

So I left.

As a teenager.

To this day I remember how hard and painful that decision was for me. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I could only go to my mom's. But her sickness has grown and she could no longer look after herself. So I had to take care of her now.

Feed her

Help her to go for a walk

Empty her "toilet"

Change her nappy

Lift her up, and physically move her about

The amount of shame and disgust I would feel was shocking. Followed by the deep guilt of how could I feel that about my mum? What is wrong with me?!

Not long after this period her state got so bad that she needed way more care than I could give. She was moved to her mum and she was taking care of her completely.

Soon she became bedridden and lost most of her ability to move or communicate.

Meanwhile I'm watching her suffering.

I remember the time she started refusing to eat.

And they just stuck a tube in her belly...

Felt like a violation

The amount of suffering caused by weakness is unbelievable. People who are incapable of doing the right thing...

Consequences are always suffering on both and most probably the people around as well.

She eventually died when I was in my mid twenties.

Nearly 20 years existing like she did.

I left the country as soon as I finished school.

Haven't really looked back for a long time.

I knew from a very young age I had to leave as soon as I could.

The place was suffocating me.

I went on a long journey of traveling.

In my first year of traveling I was sexually abused.

Which ended up shutting me down completely.

Relating to people from this place is extremely difficult. Real romantic partnerships becomes impossible. You can be physical with someone but something will be missing.

Its was like I'm on an island all alone surrounded by the ocean. I can see people the other side but can't really communicate with them. Communication is much more then words.

This is what trauma does to us all. It isolates us.

Breaking these walls takes a lot of effort but it is definitely possible.

Then I seemed to have reached a point in my life where I was stuck. I couldn't go any further as I was.

I started to become sick to a point where living became very frustrating. So I started searching for answers.

No luck with modern medicine.

I dived deep into alternative medicine and I have found a path, my path.

How did I know that was my path?

It terrified and excited me at the same time...

Diving deep into the magickal world of energy, spirituality, plant medicine.

I was always drawn to the magickal/ fantasy world since a little kid.

What we love as a kid I figured later is actually really essential to identify our life's purpose.

The more I went inside this world the more my life started radically changing. It was mind boggling.

The walls around me created by trauma started crumbling and I got to experience life as I didn't even remember being.

Have you ever been so certain you knew something that would never change? Imagine that, falling apart one by one until you no longer recognize who you are...

It can be scary.

Letting go years of hurt, resentment, anger...

It makes you think...

Who am I without my pain? Without my suffering?

Took a while to figure out, that I am not the pain, or the anger.

I am infinitely more than that.

In fact, the pain and the anger serves as a cage to keep me small and invisible.

Like a caged bird.

So I became obsessed to break my cages, as there are many.

Forever grateful for the Modern Mystery School and for finding Tantra.

They have helped me smash so many of my walls.

Healing my femininity and my sexuality became the most important thing in my life at one point. I was starving for it in a way.

In just 2 years I have managed to bring myself out of total shutdown to playful exploration regarding my sexuality

From not being able tolerate a hug from my partner (because I would get so anxious that I would have to make up a problem to get out of it) to have been able to experience such a deep level of connection I've never thought possible. And having the ability to go even deeper each time which keeps the magick alive.

The amount of pleasure and joy I allow myself to feel is getting higher everyday.

Social anxiety is getting better, I'm able to tolerate being in a community.

I realized sexual energy is life force energy. If its not free and flowing it gets stagnant and makes us miserable.

I am able to say no and protect my space . Coming from a place where that was never an option this is a huge thing. Especially as a woman.

I was able to go back home, to my family.

Face my monsters and my abuser.

Look her in the eye and be okay.

I no longer need to hide.

I no longer have to feel shame for who I am.

I no longer need validation or approval.

I no longer hold the hatred poisoning me.

I am no longer scared to be seen for who I am.

I am who I am.

I have power.

I trust myself.

I actually like who I am.

The freedom of this is indescribable.

I can fly

Now I have the honour to guide people through their pain and help you see you are powerful and you don't need to do it alone.

If you would like my guidance feel free to get in touch

Tímea Kovács